There are now literally millions of people trying and finding success with online dating. However, there are more that don't have success and just feel rejected and alone. So before you jump in, it's worth taking some time to improve your chances.
Your picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Please tell me that you didn't think you could get through this without putting up a picture at all?
Now also put up your hand if you hoped you could use a selfie from your phone or an old photo with other people in it?
Bad dater, bad!
I'm sorry to say, but you will need photos, and you might even need to spend some time creating them so they are tailored to your online dating message.
Psychological studies into online dating have demonstrated that people are cautious because of the lack of ways to verify the information presented. That's why everyone thinks everyone else is lying online. We like to be able to check a person's eye movements or body posture as they tell us things, so we can judge for ourselves whether we think they are telling the truth. Online, because there are far fewer cues, people read more meaning into the ones that remain.
One of the easiest and most successful ways to make people think you are honest and great is to support your profile text with your photos. If you think of your photos as a visual proof to your written profile, you will go a lot further. However, you need to be careful of what else people are reading into your photos.
So not only do you need photos, but you need them to say what you want them to say. Things like putting up a selfie might seem easy, but you might not realize that it is screaming to everyone that you don't have any friends, because you had no one to hold the camera for you.
Don't panic. While bad photos can scream a lot of different things, just for you I've gone through the most common mistakes that are made online, and exactly what these types of photos say about you. Avoid them, and you will be doing well.
1. Having a Picture of Something Else
Looking through a list of potential matches, face after face, and then suddenly, bam. A sunset. Or a dog. Or some other random object. While you may just be shy, or trying to get across the message you love animals, this is not how it is going to be interpreted. Immediately the user is going to think that there is something very wrong with your face, or that you are massively insecure (which leads to clingy, needy, psychopathic, etc.) No matter how insecure you are, always put up a photo of yourself. It's just not fair otherwise.
2. Pick Which Person Is Me Photo
The most common type of photo that we take in everyday life is now us with our friends. Therefore, it might appear obvious that you would then use this on your profile. Let me warn you now - don't. Human nature being what it is, everyone is going to assume that you are the ugliest person in the photo, or that at least one of your friends is better looking and a better match. You want to be the major focus of all your photos. You are already competing with everyone else on the site, so why add competition within your own profile as well?
3. You with Another Girl
Posting a picture of you with a member of the opposite sex is not actually helping your cause. You might think you are showing that you have pulled well before, but that's not how it's going to come across. While browsing online, most people are critical and defensive. They are not going to judge you kindly for showing them a picture of someone hotter than they are. There are no real advantages, and many potential disadvantages, so just avoid it.
4. Making Yourself Appear Ugly On Purpose
Please keep in mind that it will be assumed that your worst shot is what you actually look like most of the time. It also seems that you are hiding behind humor because you are insecure about your looks. This is a killer for online attraction ratings. Confidence is what you are going for. Funny and still amazingly attractive is the branding you want.
5. The Headless Horseman
At no point in your profile photos, even if you upload 100 of them, should you have a shot of your body without your head. It is disturbing, to begin with. Even if you have a great body and it is part of your branding to show it off, you can still zoom out that extra little bit to put your head in there. If you can objectify your own body, it suggests you are even worse at objectifying other people. It also completely undermines any suggestion that you are looking for a serious relationship.
6. A Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far, Far Away.
All of your photos need to be reasonably up to date, with the primary photo being taken in the last few months. You look great as you are, and have matured well, so be confident. It is usually pretty obvious if someone hasn't put up a recent photo, because no 40 year old actually looks like that. But even if you don't get found out now, you are just leading to in person rejection - not because you're bad looking, but because you are not what they expected. Now you look older and like a liar, or just seriously insecure, which is not attractive either. Even though a lot of people do feel that an out-dated photo is still legitimate, if you are prepared to put some time in now, you can definitely take an even better photo. Recreate your favorite shot if that makes you feel better, but add in some extra clues to your achievements since then.
7. Professional Photo Shoots.
You need to be careful using professional glamor shots online. While they might make you look fantastic, there are a few subtle messages that they give off you need to be aware of. First, they are notorious for being unrealistic, so it won't add to how attractive people actually perceive you. Second, they can make you come across as egotistical and self-centered, because you paid to have someone make you look good. You want to create natural looking snaps, that just happen to make you look as good as a professional would.
8. The Drunken Shot
So I can see why you might have drunk photos up on Facebook, but unless you are writing your profile while drunk (which I really do not recommend), then why on earth would you put it up as one of your best and defining looks? If you think the best thing about you is that you get drunk and then ugly, you really need to try a new branding tactic, because that isn't going to appeal to many people.
9. Hide and Seek Shots
Any photo where you are not the main focus or difficult to discern probably shouldn't be used. While you want to support your other attributes with photos, you also want to make sure each one clearly shows that you are an attractive human being, and all the other photos weren't just flukes. Unless you have more than four other photos clearly showing your face, I wouldn't waste the opportunity.
Choosing the perfect photo for your online dating profile should not be hard, but based on the evidence available it appears to stump a lot of men. Therefore, avoid these mistakes, and you are already ahead of the game!
Your picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Please tell me that you didn't think you could get through this without putting up a picture at all?
Now also put up your hand if you hoped you could use a selfie from your phone or an old photo with other people in it?
Bad dater, bad!
I'm sorry to say, but you will need photos, and you might even need to spend some time creating them so they are tailored to your online dating message.
Psychological studies into online dating have demonstrated that people are cautious because of the lack of ways to verify the information presented. That's why everyone thinks everyone else is lying online. We like to be able to check a person's eye movements or body posture as they tell us things, so we can judge for ourselves whether we think they are telling the truth. Online, because there are far fewer cues, people read more meaning into the ones that remain.
One of the easiest and most successful ways to make people think you are honest and great is to support your profile text with your photos. If you think of your photos as a visual proof to your written profile, you will go a lot further. However, you need to be careful of what else people are reading into your photos.
So not only do you need photos, but you need them to say what you want them to say. Things like putting up a selfie might seem easy, but you might not realize that it is screaming to everyone that you don't have any friends, because you had no one to hold the camera for you.
Don't panic. While bad photos can scream a lot of different things, just for you I've gone through the most common mistakes that are made online, and exactly what these types of photos say about you. Avoid them, and you will be doing well.
1. Having a Picture of Something Else
Looking through a list of potential matches, face after face, and then suddenly, bam. A sunset. Or a dog. Or some other random object. While you may just be shy, or trying to get across the message you love animals, this is not how it is going to be interpreted. Immediately the user is going to think that there is something very wrong with your face, or that you are massively insecure (which leads to clingy, needy, psychopathic, etc.) No matter how insecure you are, always put up a photo of yourself. It's just not fair otherwise.
2. Pick Which Person Is Me Photo
The most common type of photo that we take in everyday life is now us with our friends. Therefore, it might appear obvious that you would then use this on your profile. Let me warn you now - don't. Human nature being what it is, everyone is going to assume that you are the ugliest person in the photo, or that at least one of your friends is better looking and a better match. You want to be the major focus of all your photos. You are already competing with everyone else on the site, so why add competition within your own profile as well?
3. You with Another Girl
Posting a picture of you with a member of the opposite sex is not actually helping your cause. You might think you are showing that you have pulled well before, but that's not how it's going to come across. While browsing online, most people are critical and defensive. They are not going to judge you kindly for showing them a picture of someone hotter than they are. There are no real advantages, and many potential disadvantages, so just avoid it.
4. Making Yourself Appear Ugly On Purpose
Please keep in mind that it will be assumed that your worst shot is what you actually look like most of the time. It also seems that you are hiding behind humor because you are insecure about your looks. This is a killer for online attraction ratings. Confidence is what you are going for. Funny and still amazingly attractive is the branding you want.
5. The Headless Horseman
At no point in your profile photos, even if you upload 100 of them, should you have a shot of your body without your head. It is disturbing, to begin with. Even if you have a great body and it is part of your branding to show it off, you can still zoom out that extra little bit to put your head in there. If you can objectify your own body, it suggests you are even worse at objectifying other people. It also completely undermines any suggestion that you are looking for a serious relationship.
6. A Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far, Far Away.
All of your photos need to be reasonably up to date, with the primary photo being taken in the last few months. You look great as you are, and have matured well, so be confident. It is usually pretty obvious if someone hasn't put up a recent photo, because no 40 year old actually looks like that. But even if you don't get found out now, you are just leading to in person rejection - not because you're bad looking, but because you are not what they expected. Now you look older and like a liar, or just seriously insecure, which is not attractive either. Even though a lot of people do feel that an out-dated photo is still legitimate, if you are prepared to put some time in now, you can definitely take an even better photo. Recreate your favorite shot if that makes you feel better, but add in some extra clues to your achievements since then.
7. Professional Photo Shoots.
You need to be careful using professional glamor shots online. While they might make you look fantastic, there are a few subtle messages that they give off you need to be aware of. First, they are notorious for being unrealistic, so it won't add to how attractive people actually perceive you. Second, they can make you come across as egotistical and self-centered, because you paid to have someone make you look good. You want to create natural looking snaps, that just happen to make you look as good as a professional would.
8. The Drunken Shot
So I can see why you might have drunk photos up on Facebook, but unless you are writing your profile while drunk (which I really do not recommend), then why on earth would you put it up as one of your best and defining looks? If you think the best thing about you is that you get drunk and then ugly, you really need to try a new branding tactic, because that isn't going to appeal to many people.
9. Hide and Seek Shots
Any photo where you are not the main focus or difficult to discern probably shouldn't be used. While you want to support your other attributes with photos, you also want to make sure each one clearly shows that you are an attractive human being, and all the other photos weren't just flukes. Unless you have more than four other photos clearly showing your face, I wouldn't waste the opportunity.
Choosing the perfect photo for your online dating profile should not be hard, but based on the evidence available it appears to stump a lot of men. Therefore, avoid these mistakes, and you are already ahead of the game!
About the Author:
This has been adapted from Buffy Greentree's new book The Nice Guy's Guide To Online Dating Profiles, available on Amazon and Buffy's website, www.100firstdrafts.com.
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